I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
