Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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