I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
