so let's talk penis.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You were trust falling into bushes
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
