So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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