Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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