who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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