in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I don't deserve a penis
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
