i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
