I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
