i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
