Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
