sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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