everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
