I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
