Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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