Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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