I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
