Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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