ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
