i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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