She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
ok first of all what the fuck
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
