The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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