What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize