I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
