I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
