I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Randomize
