"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
