I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
