his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
