Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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