my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
