we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
