The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
