Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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