dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
