Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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