My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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