the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
