I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
