Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
