Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
