apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
