FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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