I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Everything about him screamed your future.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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