Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
