it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize