my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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