this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
