it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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