oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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