I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
