I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize