Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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