Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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