i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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