So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
