Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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